Saturday, November 14, 2015

Piercing Flame of a Bleeding tears

Tears of blood stream down my face. Each painful step is closer to falling off the cliff. My long scarlet hair drapes over my hazel eyes. Breathing in the stale air burns my nose and lungs. How did I get here? I don't want to be here. It would be so much easier to disappear from this world. Peering over the jagged edge all that lay in front of me is a sea of shadows mocking and stares of disappointment. Every inch of my muscles jerked me forward in a jolt. Blackness consumes the very light I held so dear.

Well, that's how I have been feeling lately. Thinking of taking a whole bunch of pills so I could fall asleep and never wake up. I just don't want to struggle so much or to feel so much pain. Heaving over a toilet, having my lungs want to burst into a million pieces, and every muscle in my body ache. Since August I've been hurting because of an ulcer but now the past three weeks a sever cough has arisen. I cough so hard my throat swells and I throw up.

Also work has me in a tangle of all sorts. From the new policy that surely is not only going to have me fired but many more. Putting Jacob out of work for another week. They will burn. They will pay for hurting us. I can't tell you guys just yet of how, but trust me they will all go up in a blazing flame.

I heard my heart beat in ear so loudly, I surely thought everyone else could feel the earth shake. Soon as his eye met mine, I knew I may possibly be in danger. A guy I thought I could trust who shattered all of that and more with in one day. The physical and mental pain I once felt seeps out of every nerve. My body became frozen in place. I contacted Jacob once I got out of work with sobs. My hands shake as I grip the steering wheel. It wasn't until I got home when he hugs me and kisses my forhead trying to resure me if he even talks to me he will hurt him.

Finding some stuff out tonight going to my Besties Pagan party. There may be some stuff going on with my brothers and their wives....Also their life style. Won't get into it to much. All I can say I get a bad feeling. To the card reading, sure it sounded accurate as fuck, I make my own path and I sure as hell will fight back the best the can. I may feel down, but that's not going to stop me. My big brother, Georgie, taught me better. "Don't run from your problems. You have to face them to ever have resolved the problem." As long as my lovie, Jacob, is next to me I can do anything.
Life is fucking me over and I tell you, "Fuck yourself! I'm tired of this bullshit!" I will not lose to such a scum hanging over me like a shadow.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

The Adventures of Melissa!

Tuesday towards the end of work I had a sever cough spell. A sharp pain stab me in the chest. I couldn't go to work yesterday and today. The doctor said I still have a lot of inflammation in my chest and throat. Today I feel much better with a happiness that lingers in the air. I just hope I'll be able to see my Lovie tonight. they had a lot of birds today, along with Huntsvilles small birds.

Realizing on my way home from applying an application from Neovox, a call center, that perhaps the office jobs aren't for a person like me. Sure I would actually enjoy my job, but for a person who pays more bills than necessary and loves to see my Lovie at work it just isn't for me. I called Jacob on break and told him about my day. He told me he would miss me and loves to see me at work. I have to admit that it's very adorable and heart warming knowing that Jacob enjoys my presents at work.

Today when I went to the library, I bent down to grab change from cup holder, only to hear a whistle. I look behind me to see a man around the age 60 tells me I look hot and asks me if I had a boyfriend. He then proceeded to ask me to come to his car. That's when I went into the library to print off my resumes. When I was walking back to my car the man gets out of his car and apologizes for saying those things. My car and I left in a flash. Calling Jacob on first break, he said he wanted to beat a bitch.

Eventually my Bestie, Madi, text me to hang out. I said why not! So I went to Sarcoxie library and then her house to talk hours to caught up on life. It's good to have girl time.

well now to the Galena, Mo, trip! Jacob's aunt sent us an invitation to their fall festival they are hosting. We couldn't resist such an amazing opportunity to a beautiful place. Jacob and I ended up taking his cousin, Clayton, with us. Reminder, the roads are so curvy and hilly it drives me nuts! On our way there this car followed us for the longest time causing Clayton to become paranoid and want to kick some ass. Then Jacob got into the kicking ass conversation, which made my nerves a bit less on the edge, for it made me laugh.

Arriving in a small, unique, Kimberling City had my mind blown away. we spent the next two nights at a large hotel that was on the bay of Tablerock lake. They had, a hot tub, a pool with lights, and a astonishing view of Tablerock Lake. The room we were staying in was also spectacular. Marble countertops, soft full sized beds, refrigerator, tv with actual cable, and many other nice qualities to our room.

That Saturday we went to the fall festival Jacob's aunt was hosting. It surely felt like high school all over. The drama and girls spitting fire was an understatement. Clayton swooned many girls, including Jacob's niece, Hailey. Jacob then threaten to brutally beat the shit out of Clayton, which made everything much more funnier. His little niece Myia is so cute, for being I think 7 or 9. She likes to hold both Jacob's hand and mine as we walk down a brick bridge. Saying she would love for us to be her parents. SO CUTE!

The next day on our way back home we met his other aunt, Brenda Minton, and his two nieces and nephew. Previously before this I had already contacted Brenda, for the fact she is a professional author who has written her own books.

Her website is this:

Talking to her of her busy life with the kids and her books. She actually has a group of people she works with. It's like saying The House of Night Series has two authors who wrote the book. I have yet to read the books because I'm currently reading the Hush Hush series, watching Fairytail series with Lovie, being sick, sleeping, and working. The main reason is Fairytail series is just so good!

Back to Brenda! Eventually we had to leave, for work was the next day. Gawd, the drive back home was so exhausting. I didn't want the dream to end. I didn't want to go back home. It sadden me to leave such a peaceful place that could so inspire me to write a novel.

Recently Jacob and I have been hanging out with Chandler, Leo, and their lovers. Well, it was Chandler, Leo, Kiel (Chandler's boyfriend), and I shooting Jacob's bb gun. Jacob thought he shot all the bullets out the barrel but with a shocking look on all our faces, Jacob accidently shot Kiel in the stomach. Laughter bellowed from all of us as Kiel becomes dramatic with the small flesh wound. It didn't go deep at all but it bruised badly.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Death's Door

It has been pretty rough lately. Turkey season just started as I was cutting the skin of the turkey. One of the cleaning guys comes up to me asking me what happened to Jacob. My eyebrows narrowed down the man in questioning. My dear friend and co-worker Mary, told me to go, so I went up to the supervisors of Jacob's, asking what happened.

"Jacob was wheel chaired to the nurses office. He was holding his side saying it was hurting." The supervisor spat out.

My heart pounding with each step I rushed to the nurses. Soon enough, Jacob was sitting there grabbing his side and having a tough time taking deep breaths. I helped him to get outside and into his mother's car. That day was so miserable and long. almost a twelve hour shift while my Lovie was at Mercy Hospital in Joplin Mo.

I went home to Jacob to find him okay, but still in slight pain. By that time my back and chest were killing me. The coughing that was just a mild annoyance had become a horse bark every five minutes or so. I had fallen asleep to the tv and pain medicine the doctor had prescribed to me. About five in the morning my chest burned with each breath I took. I  woke up Jacob in a panic and trying my hardest to take in any air I could.

Jacob hugged me while sitting me up. Eventually Jacob calmed me to sleep, only for him to put his finger under my nose to make sure I was still breathing. When waking up for work I could barely manage to speak words without coughing. Jacob told me to stay laying and took my phone. He came back to tell me my dad is on his way to take me to hospital. The thought sent me over board. I freaked out so badly, I started to heave, cough while tears streamed down my cheeks.

Jacob wipes away my tears saying, "Please don't cry. I know its difficult and you're scared but I don't want to see you in pain like this."

Moving around made my muscles cringe. The hospital time took forever while needles had me feel dizzy. Eventually after being there for three hours, they told me I had my throat swollen and Bronchitis. Jacob ended up having sever inflammation between the ribs.

This week has been filled with struggle to get better, how we are going to pay for this stuff, watching Fairytail, and sleeping. It has just been rough for the both of us. We both go back tomorrow to make money. Good thing is our insurance is amazingly good.

My next blog post will be more entertaining and on the positive. I'll be talking about a second trip to Galena, Mo, and Jacob accidently shooting his friends boyfriend in the gut with his bb gun :p Now for me to go eat!

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Crown of Thorns

Where do I even start....bad news first. Tuesday night Jacob and I was watching the Divergent movies. Laying down the pain wasn't so bad, but once I stood up to go home it hit me hard. My chest and upper part of my stomach was so tight it hurt to move around. A small drizzle of tears turns into a pour down. Jacob and his mom were very much concern for they insisted I go to the hospital. Fear started to take over as my body starts to shake intensely.

I glace over to Jacob crying out, "I'm scared!"

At this point everything started to hurt. Jacob as gently as he could picks me up and carries me to my fathers white ford truck. Jacob is in the back seat soothing me the best he could. Jacob ended up also carrying me into the hospital. Any time Jacob couldn't be with me made him upset and furious. He would follow me like a lost puppy if they would let him.

After blood was taken, hooking me up to a million wires, and put blood pressure stuff on me, Jacob and my dad was able to come in. Jacob sat down next to me wh
ile taking my hand. Dad had to leave to go pick up my brother from work. The most terrifying part was having to get a shot in the butt cheek. Drawing blood is alright because it doesn't hurt much but putting it in the muscle, I know I wouldn't be able to sit or walk around a bit. Jacob squeezed my hand while trying to my attention on him. It helped a little.

The shot along with the medicines they gave me the chest pain reduced to a three. My butt cheek hurt more and I was exhausted. By 3:30 A.M Jacob and I left in his mom's car. Wednesday late in the afternoon, finally after two hours in doctors office, I found out I have Gastric Disease.....lovely. I basically have to go on a diet. I have to reduce fats and dairy. No spicy food whats so ever. Yesterday Jacob and I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of healthy food for me to eat. This is going to be very difficult for me. I enjoy spicy, fatty, and dairy foods sooo much. Now it's basically harming me in the most painful way ever. Jacob has been helping in saying no to a lot of stuff I really want.

If any one is wondering why did I name the title Crown of Thorns? Well, the plant Crown of Thorns has beautiful flowers on top while the stems have sharp thorns protruding from it. This symbolizes how my life can have those beautiful moments and the difficult times, but still be an extraordinary plant or for me an extraordinary person. Now, for some fun.

Several weekends ago Jacob and I head up to Glena Missouri. Yes, there is a Glena Missouri and no, it's not Glena Kansas. People always ask and get very confused, so I figure I would explain. The reason for heading down there was to visit his family. I'm like an old granny when I drive in areas that have twists and turns or roads I have no clue of familiarity.

Soon as we got there his niece, Hailey, pulls me away and we start to talk. She is a beautiful, talented, young lady. She is fifteen and I already felt welcome as we get excited about all the stuff we have in common. Looking at super hot guy celebrities while discussing stuff we enjoy doing. For the first time I got to meet his Aunt Ellen. She was amazing! eventually we all went to bed because it was getting late and I knew we all would be doing awesome adventures the next day. Neither Jacob nor I could sleep, so we ended up talking and laughing at stuff. Out of no where I felt something at the end of the bed. I freaked out because I wasn't sure what it was. I turn on the light to find out his sleepy seven year old niece had woke up. She wanted to go back to her house which was across the street. Jacob and I walked Maya to her house. In my head I'm
like, "So, this is what I
t is like to have a kid."

The very next day, Hailey, Jacob, and I drove up to Brandson Missouri. Which was just a few miles away from Glena Missouri. All the cars and people made me nervous driving. But hey, First time in enormous city. Helicopters constantly flying ahead, traffic lines for miles, park attractions on both sides, people laughing, screaming, and having good time. All of it was an experience worth having.

The first stop was the Ripley's Believe it or not museum. Everything was so stunning I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Once we found out about this two way mirror we laughed our asses off at ourselves for making faces and others for making faces. You wouldn't know this until you got part way through the museum. What really got us was this spinning tunnel that made us stumble to get to the other side, but us being silly we went through it several times. Finally, we got to the shop they had. Jacob being a butthole he gave me a taser gun and I tasered myself. They ended up laughing as I gave Jacob a glare.

Next, stop was the Ejection Seat! Hailey and I went on it with our breath taken away. At the end of it we got to see how stupid we looked and sounded. I couldn't help but to feel a bit embarrassed. Thirdly, we went to this Go Cart thing and raced each other. That was a bit difficult because I couldn't reach the steering wheel unless I was way up on the seat. That hurt my arms. After that we went and got some ice cream! :)

To cool off the day we headed back to his Ellen's house to put our swimsuits on. We went down the road to the river. Canoed a bit and swam until we felt extremely tired. At this point Jacob's side was really hurting him. We got back to his Aunt's house we ate dinner and set up the tent stuff. The beauty of sleeping under the stars. So gorgeous! Everything felt magical and mysterious.

Sunday I woke up to realize that his Aunt's house is on a cliff which you can see the river below. We headed down in boats to the river that day. The family gathered on a bank on the river. The water was so high we can see the water was engulfing the sign and most of the road. We all took turns tubing, which was most fun thing ever. His niece Maya kept following Jacob and me around. She would hold my hand and ask a millions of questions. I was on one of Jacobs leg and Maya was on the other she ask a question about kissing. Oh gosh! I'm like, "Jacob, this is for you to answer!" Gawd little ones are so cute and I know I would be totally lost if I had my own at first.

Eventually Jacob and I had to leave, but not without all of them feeling sad we were leaving. oh, Jacob's a butthole when it comes to tubing with me because he loves to tip it over and make us land in the water. We all had life jackets on for safety! Figure, let everyone know so they don't freak out. I would love to move there to Glena Missouri and live with nature along with going to the city to have other funs.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Heart Throbbing!

Mine and Jacobs relationship is different. It's hard to explain. Ever been so physically and emotionally attached to one person is as if they are you in a way. What is kind of funny We had several people tell us that Jacob and I look like brother and sister....We both have light brown hair and green color eyes. We also wrestle around and goof off like brothers and sisters I suppose. He is the main person I can trust with my life, with anything. I know he come home to me and give me hug and kiss.

Sometimes seeing others who have been in rocky relationships kind of scares me. Perhaps in my previous relationships they always ended badly, but this one is stronger than ever. If we have a problem we talk about it. If one of us is hurt or upset we try to sooth that by trying to put a smile on each others faces. It's so cute when he cuddles up to me when he falls asleep. His chiseled arm slumped over me while his light snores blow into my ear. I feel safe and secure being near him in any way. I feel as if he is my guardian angel here to protect me from everything.

I use to dream, yes literally dream of this guy always saving me from something. Weather it be from my own emotions or dangers that put my life at risk. Well, I think those dreams may of came true to an extent. I never got to see the guys face, but always felt happy and safe. I'm one lucky girl! Jacob puts up with my crazy ass. I hardly have those harsh put downs like I use to. I'm more confident in anything I do or say.

Sorry if this is so short. I had the urge to write this as well as wanting to distract myself from watching a scary movie....I don't like them much anymore. I rather not have more nightmares. I know that sounds stupid, but for me they can be very real.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Living It up!

I did it!! :) Thursday was my two weeks working at Butterball. There was several people who doubted me and stated, "It's a very difficult job". well duh! Any job can be hard, but you have to live with the fact a job is a job. If you want money and other things in life you need to work for it. Working there isn't that bad, to be honest. I've made a whole bunch of friends and also closer relationship with friends already. Also the fact in working with Jacob is AWESOME! The other day he came up behind me as I was putting stuff in my car, and kisses me. He told me, "now I have kissed you in the rain." There is also these Islanders who are always hitting on me....I'm just glad Jacob didn't see it because he would of gotten into a fight with them. Like This guy who Jacob works with told him my butt looks great....wrong thing to say. Jacob took the knight to his throat and said, "You, said what? That is mine, so stay away" It's cute when Jacob gets jealous.

Now we are looking to buy a house. I went to a real estate woman and my bank to talk to them about buying a house. For a hundred thousand dollar home we be paying around seventy seven dollars a month, but Jacob and I would be looking for a 19,000 or 80,000 dollar home. Both of us have applied for a credit card so we can have good credit. I'm finally getting a lap top. Hell yea! Now once I mentioned how much Big Brother makes we may end up moving to Pittsburg or Parsons Kansas to work with Big Brother. But that would be once we have plenty of money saved. I know the houses in Pittsburg are a bit more expensive. I know I have to be patient in buying a home. It's difficult because I'm very impatient with this stuff.

Fourth of July was amazing! The magic of the pretty colors light up the sky as I cuddle up next to Jacob. I wanted to make a memory of Jacob and I. Something that mean more than a previous relationship I was in, but this means so much more. His family is always crazy and fun to hang out with. We played volley ball, went swimming, they played Frisbee, and we all talked. Good thing is a lot of the young adults there are the people who Jacob and I grew up with. Angy Jefferies comes up to me and says, "Sorry if my mom takes your bf" I know she was trying to start shit. Everyone else was on my side and defended Jacob and I. In my head I'm like, "Ha, Bitch! Ha!" She did date a lot of Jacob's family...including her crazy ass sister who dated him. Which I despise, but oh well.

For all who are Doctor who fans...Go see the new Terminator movie. The 11th doctor is in it!! :) That was a badass movie! Big Brother, Mikayla, and I all watch it last night. Once we got home Big Brother was telling us stories of dad. They were funny! It's been a while sense we all hung out together! It felt nice! Next weekend hoping that I don't work Saturday GIRLS DAY! We are gonna go see Magic Mike 2 and go eat at Cici's! Perhaps go to the mall! Need a girls night!

Life is looking up for me right now. It feels great to be in control of my life and get my goals done! Can't wait to see what the future brings me! Hopefully Jacob puts a ring on it lol in two months it will be a whole year! I've never been so connected and in love with one person.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Rephaim vs Benedict Cumberbatch

The thought occurred to me late last night as I was trying to fall asleep. I look upon Jacob as a mixture of a Raven Mocker, Rephaim, and Sherlock Holmes, Benedict Cumberbatch. Black wings that cast a shadow beyond the stars. They can turn into fierce, sharp, blades ready to slaughter anyone who harms the ones he loves. But at the same time the wings act as a soft, penetrable shield which upon his Beloved can cuddle up next to. The light brown curls sway down in his blue eyes with a hint of grey tint. A personality vibrating brilliance and a savage way to take down enemies who stand a threat against his kin.

Many times Jacob has put himself in the line of fire to protect me or has threatens others if they hurt me...well very cruel words were said. In a way Jacob and Big Brother have same compassion to protect me beyond all faults. My older sister, Stephanie, told me once that my brother adored me and has me as his favorite. Now looking back I see I really am the favorite without realizing it. When I see Jacob and Big Brother talk about video games, Greek Gods, and Mythology I just smile from one ear to the other. 

The compound bow in hand ready to fire at will. My accuracy is dead along with how fast I draw the bow. One point of my life I was in Archery club but once my appendix busted that left me out of the game for a while. Before I even knew it the season was over. When I have plenty of money I will go buy myself a compound bow with arrows.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Money Whispers

For a while it will be stressful for both Jacob and I. Today I received a billing statement saying if I don't contact them in 30 days I would have to pay the full amount of 1200 something and I would be brought to court. Jacob found it absurd for them to take me to court. I only work part time, get paid every two weeks, and I make a 8.75 and hour. I don't make nearly enough to pay everything. I finally got the other doctor bill paid off. Finally, to say I have to pay insurance, phone bill, get my tags, get inspection on car, and whatever on sales taxes. To say I haven't even moved out yet and adult life has hit me hard. Thanks to Jacob though he has helped pay for many things.

Jacob and I was at Sonic talking about my bills. My frustration and red face was all needed for Jacob to kiss me while giving me a long hug. I was at breaking point, but with his embrace and millions of tiny kisses it eased all my worries. We ordered our food wishing our great buddy Draco would serve us. Oh well!

I feel this all will be a set back on moving out. I know I don't want to push the issue on Jacob, but just talk things out to see what best fits or what we come up with. Just ideas in general would be nice. I haven't got the courage to fully ask him yet. When I mentioned it to him earlier today he would be worried about moving out. I wouldn't blame him with my situation and our friends' situation.

Now for some positive side to things! Yesterday, was Jacob and mines ninth month together! It's almost a whole year being with an amazing best friend I love so dearly. He truly has helped in any way possible. Weather it be not wanting to see me cry or the simple fact of brightening my day. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life....yes he can be a pain in my ass sometimes, but I love him so much. When my mom gives me those "Your not worthy" speeches Jacob is there to comfort me. When some punk ass kid decides to punch me in the face Jacob...well saying it nicely is wanting kid to disappear for doing such a thing to me. Its adorable and love how he gets even flustered over the thought of a guy approaching me wanting to flirt.

Saturday night was the most amazing night of my life! Jacob and I spent the night at a motel with an amazing swimming pool and Jacuzzi. Our Sweet was amazing! King size bed, flat screen tv, a couch, desk, table, two night stands, fancy bathroom, and free wifi with amazing HBO channel! After swimming I ended up falling asleep. Jacob laying next to me decides to poke my nose to wake me up....I swear he can be a pain sometimes lol TWICE he wakes me up. The little turd :) anime all night sounds good to me. Sleeping next to the goober had me feel safe and warm. To be honest I prefer if he could sleep by me every night, for the fact if I have nightmare he can make them go away some how. Also it's easier for me to fall sleep with him.

That night had me in the clouds, but now I must bring back reality. Time for me to go to bed because this day has given me a tiresome headache.

Friday, June 12, 2015


well I met my goal very nicely :) I succeeded in getting my car! its 1999 maroon ford contour. everything works besides the driver side window that gets stuck and I need to fix gas gauge, but other than that it's a beauty. The other night, Jacob, Clayton (Jacob's cousin) and I all went to Joplin to go see spy. GAWD! I highly recommend going to go see that hilarious movie! Jacob is officially my GPS when going to places, especially at night because its more difficult for me to see at night. My car is also not a gas guzzler.

Monday I plan on putting my application in at Butterball. I already have my foot in the door because Jacob has talked to his supervisors and employees there about me. It starts at 11 something, which is awesome! After 60 days I get a pay raise and full dental, health, and vision. Once full time comes about I have decided to look for places to stay. Jacob and I have talked about it....he is a bit scared to be on his own, but we are ready to move out of our parents house. We are ready to start our lives together. This weekend we are watching over Jacob's brother's house. EAK! I'm excited!

I would tell you about the whole driving devils road three times, but that's for me to keep as my own sweet memory with the thrill of spookiness. Eventually after all my adventures and I settle down at my own place I will sit down and write it all down. For now I will give you a frustrating cliff hanger, like off of The Flash.

 P.S The Flash, A.K.A Grant Gustin....hehehe ;) one of these days I will meet you and Christian Bale!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

2015 Graduation Twist!

Class of 2015 in lines of blue from A-Z with some girls wearing ridicules shoes. I'm chatting away with my computer geek Loyde and country boy Trever about cars and how excited we are to finally graduate. As I make my way forward, the crowds' cheers and many flashes had me feel excited and proud. I can see my parents, my older sisters, younger sister, and Aunt Cookie up in the risers waving and smiling with glee. My nerves were on over drive of happiness. This will be the day to remember. Each row inching their way closer to grabbing their diplomas. Finally came my row, which was third to last. I searched for my Beloved knowing he probably got lost in the crowd. I knew he had to be late because of work. Once my name was called over the microphone everything faded into a fog of slow motion. My friends and family there yelling at the top of their lungs for me.

"Don't cry. Don't cry. You got this. Don't cry," I repeated in my head.

The blue caps were thrown in the air while my family made there way down the stairs. Many warm hugs were given to me that night. I ended up crying anyways but what it was all worth I say let the rain fall! I finally reunited with my older brother Zackery who I haven't seen since I moved to Carthage when I was eight years old. Jacob in his oh delicious tux...shhh its our little secret that I find him so Handsome and Hot in his tux....which he also looks badass with the crossbone necklace tucked into his tie. Not to mention the fluctuous curls batting his hazel eyes with a hint of grey.

We all ended up gathering at my sister's home for cake and ice cream. Finding out Zackery is a part time truck driver, very good with that computer stuff, and ran his own t-shirt business. When I got home his card that he gave me smelled like Romance and The Stone. That place fits him very well of how he dressed and looked. Speaking of graduation gifts, all money I received is going toward my car! well since I'm a official DRIVER! lol one of these days I will learn how to drive a stick of these days.

All the busy stuff out of the way I have been relaxing a while. Sleeping in until noon sounds nice for a change, but not for long. I know this weekend I'm working morning shifts...woooo...not, but hey its money going towards a car and soon to be apartment. Fuck living at home! Sure I would miss little sis even when she is being a total bitch at times and my dad I would miss greatly. welp not sure what to say about my step mom. That will be a story another day. Jacob is helping me with all of this and...moving in together :) eventually. First step a car. Then apartment. Also I plan on getting better job of better pay, health, dental, and vision. Finally I will find out what is so wrong with my back and get pain medicine for it, and also be able to get braces.

Now....for the nightmares part....They have become so a lucid. I feel as if they tell me stories. Space ships and flying cars. Yes, Yes, movies right? no, you are all very wrong. I would try and describe it to you but no fucking way am I actually able to unless they have invented technology that can go back into my dreams and let others watch on screen tv. Creepy alien creatures, in human disguise. Some how my older brother and his wife had a baby with several heads. very creepy. I went crazy hoping I wouldn't become brain washed as those of my friends and family who got stuck at that place. There were several nightmares of future places with and with out Jacob. The money almost purl
like but not and paper money with no pictures on it. It all glowed this blue color. Also it frightens me of knowing the fear of never seeing Jacob again. Many things become valuable on the brink of loosing it all. Not to mention this weird time lapse thing. I may of been in a world for months or days but back home perhaps an hour or two. I know some may not understand...even my dream self told me that. What has all been happening lately...I'm not going to be surprise if something mysterious or major happens to any of us. Just kind of a for warning all of you.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Simplicity of Life

Well I'm suppose to do Agar Science project, but I can't print it off in the class room that we cook in. I can't use the other teacher's paper....ugh. I hate my nightmares to be honest. I suppose every does, huh? Sleepless nights come and go, which causes me to actually fall asleep in class. Good thing it's senior year because I already took all my recommended and core classes.  Those few times I ended up falling asleep in Jacob's arms even bad dreams could be vanished in the matter of seconds. 

 The other day I went over to Jacob's house; his best friend, his cousin, and Jacob all decided to headbutt each others heads.....gawd, could I not stop smiling at how ridiculous they were all being but they were my family at heart. I can't wait to get my own house! Us girls in the bedroom gossiping and laughing while the boys be in the front room yelling at each other because of video games. I could actually have friends over without a hassle or have them come over just in general. I wouldn't have to put up with Mother's rude comments or bitchiness. Sure I would have bills to pay and having to buy groceries, but with the help of Jacob and friends we can do this. I trust in them to help out financially and fundamentally. 

Right now I'm slowly paying off medical bills, but thank god to being under my Father's insurance. It paid for most of the cost expenses. Once Jacob puts a ring on it *Smiles and blushes uncontrollably* I would be on his insurance. He mentioned it yesterday to me and I just hugged him while burying my face in his chest. I really don't mean to talk all the time about Jacob but he is just my happy pill that relaxes me on those stressful days. 

I realize I'm just lazy most of the time. Putting on makeup to really trying to understand math is pretty much laziness. I'm understanding math to a certain point, but then I'm lost when nothing is explained to me. Having to work sometimes does get in the way, but right now needing money is more important. To also do my taxes costs a big sum of cash....hopefully he will give me a break because I don't have joint taxes and I work part time. Braums is probably the best restaurant place to work at in Carthage. I love my managers...including the one who got promoted to a higher rank and had to transfer. That sadden all of us. working with the girls or having Brad come back was awesome! Sometimes it can be stressful but in all it's a nice place to work at. In March it would be a year of working at Braums.

I have been writing more in my dairy lately too...back to the good old expressing myself that way. I have a few stories I have written, so I will post them. Probably not this week because it consist of work and doing my taxes....OH YAY! *Major Sarcasm*Probably sometimes next week I will post one of them or both. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015



Where do I start....I guess you could say my life is like a crazy, romantic story. It's so hard to write simple stories because it doesn't seep out on paper, but I live it every day. The blushing smile in the middle of a boring class or the constant insults from my step-mother is a typical day for me. So much has happen to me drastically over this past year. In the end I know I have family who cares for me dearly; that includes my Boo, Jacob Farmer.
Jacob has been there from the very beginning, even on my worse days. Because of him I have learned to love myself more and trust again. That moment he kissed me with such a funny and sweet personality was when I fell in love with him. Jacob always says, "If someone hurts you all hell will break loose." I slowly opened myself to him, but him, he was willing to tell me practically anything. I wasn't use to any of that. This was all new to me and still is new. Such romantic verses told to me in such ways it had me in tears. Someone actually cares for me of who I am and all my imperfections.
Not to long ago extreme abdomen pain consumed me. Nothing was curing such a horrible problem. Soon a trip to the hospital was needed as dad drove me to Carthage local hospital. Several times I passed out because I couldn't tolerate the pain. The doctor came in after the cats scan to announce my appendix is severally inflamed. Unfamiliar faces surround me in lifting me into a ambulance. Fear burned itself into my cool flesh. My eyes were stuck closed but waking up sore, scared, and in pain had everyone concerned.
That night a tall, toned, man with dirty blonde curls and blue eyes walks into my room. It hurt to speak, but seeing Jacob gave me comfort and peace at mind. The nurse came in saying I need to walk around so I can get better. I take Jacob's arm in both of my hands for balance. Walking to the end of the hall, my breathe was shallow and my legs felt they would fall off. Getting back in bed tears fell onto my flushed checks.
With a rough thumb Jacob wipe them away saying in a shaky voice, "I love you so much and was so afraid of loosing you."
With those words in my foggy mind sleep prevailed. All in all Jacob is an amazing boyfriend who doesn't like to see me cry. He will do everything and anything to make me laugh and smile. Sure we have our fights and agreements, but in the end we love each other and that's all that matters. Jacob gave me a little quote that states, "Best Relationship: talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister." That is so true for us because I remember the time we goofed off in Wal-Mart and played caught with the balls.
I believe Jacob is a keeper. I can honestly say I'm happy and blessed to have him in my life. I wouldn't mind getting married and having kids with him. Kids defiantly in future though, not now. Even when I thought about going to college, I thought about find that perfect person who would love me how Jacob does. Perhaps that was always my ultimate goal in life besides college, was to find my love and have a family. Even as a child I dreamed of those things happening to me.
Jacob isn't my only happy place in the world, but also my family. Saturday when I went to go see Blackcat at the movies with Big Brother, Dad, and Little Sis had me smiling uncontrollably. Sis over there saying Jacob is an alien...*rolls eyes* during a make out scene Dad and Brother teasing me not to look. The funny conversations or the theories we come up with are so interesting to listen to.
The time I slept over at my older sister's house. My niece and little nephew making me laugh as "zombies" we had to run from. The deep conversations I have with them that always has support behind me. Even my other older sister has welcoming warming arms willing to help me out when I need to. My loving Aunt who doesn't mind staying up late when I feel really down and want to talk. My older sister who lives in Arkansas also plays a big role in my life as she and I share similar feelings and situations. Plus she understands how important Jacob is to me.
I can't forget my friends. Sometimes they can be a pain in my ass but at the end of the day they are there for me. How my friend Micheal decides to put a penis hat on in Spencers had me falling over in laughter. Or girl nights with my best friends Jayme and Madisson where we talk on and on. During school my group of unique friends who have the weirdest conversations that even has me questioning things. I love them all and they love me.