Friday, October 21, 2016

Blissful Forest

My nerves twist and turn as I sat down in Red Onion Cafee in Joplin MO. My chestnut hair in perfect curls that bounce into my sparkled hazel eyes. My silver dress light up as the bright sun reflected on it. I became a bit sweaty as he took out my galaxy s3 out.

"Do you want your surprise now or later?" Jacob's deep voice asked promptly.

I wouldn't be able to eat properly if I waited any longer. A soft voice said, "Yes."

Jacob in his black tux and slacks while his hair slick back a little; he pushes the play button on my phone. Endlessly by the cab started to echo the cafee as he sang a long with it. Mid way in the song he asked me to stand in front of him. Jacob got on one knee, looked up at my teary eyes, and asked, "Will you marry me?"

My heart pounded in my chest about ready to burst. Of course I agreed upon being with him the rest of my life. His the one person I go to when I'm upset or depressed. He is my support, my best friend, my love, my everything. Jacob had been there since day one and will be with me until I die. Jacob has seen my worse and my best. Jacob has stopped me from ending my own life and has calmed my anxiety. He is my guardian angel sent to care and protect me.

I look over to see my older sister Stephanie, taking pictures and video of the beautiful bliss that just happened. She comes over in casual clothes in tears. My sisters hugs where strong and graceful. She has helped me with my hair, makeup and being the rock that supported Jacob and I. I greatly appreciate what she has done for us and what she plans on doing.

The colors of the wedding will be red and black. I know not your typical wedding but one that fits Jacob and I of who we are. The Theme is Adam's Family where true love between  Gomez and Morticia bloom. It will be in our favorite place in the whole world Glena, MO. Gorgeous place where nature is everywhere you go. Also where Jacob's family lives and will help with the wedding.

Now to tell you guys about my recent update on life! Through hell of fixing the plumming in the house, depression, and being broke I finally and starting to move on in life. A long process of two days and I'm starting classes Monday at EGS! I'm so excited! Finally getting a desk job that pays amazing along with great insurance. I also got to pick my hours and days I wanted to work which never happens in the working industries, but I got super lucky. I worked so hard getting a new job that fit what I wanted; only to get exactly what I wanted. Now classes will be early in the morning which will be difficult for me but I will do my best and work as hard as I can. I have to work hard for not only my sake, but for Jacob's. I have a reliable Ford Fusion car and getting FDS to help pay for gas and food Jacob and I will be able to finally live comfortably. Once I get everything paid off and get myself good credit, then the process of buying the things we want in life. I ready to walk through that door leading to my future.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Dancing With The Stars

Hey, guys! I'm going to put up a story idea up here to see what y'all think. I hope you enjoy it. I want all the feed back as I can :) story ideas, pros, cons, and any thing you can think of to improve the story. Here you guys go:

Nova blare, a young brilliant woman lost in a world of chaos and sorrows, is just now starting to blossom into a warrior. Soon she will have a guardian bound to keep her alive for the soul purpose of her unique ability to see into the future. Ever since she was little Nova was hunted down to use as a
weapon. In this unfortunate matter Nova's parents were brutally murdered in front her as a child. An old man, Edric, took Nova under his wing. Edric didn't allow Nova to dabber into any Zinf warrior training, but does teach her how to control her dream walking.

Zinfs have always been the guardians of the Earthlings. They protect them from the bad creatures whose pour soul got devoured by the darkness. The protection is also to keep the Devourers from slaughtering the Earthlings by the billions.

 One particular person, Lavinia, The leader of the Devourers, wants to take over the Earthlings and Zinfs. She is cruel person destroying anything that gets in her way to possessing Nova. Her right hand man, Xander, is willing to do anything to please his master. So Xander is on a hunt to slave Nova, but will he fall for her caring and brilliant nature? Will her guardian be able to protect her?

Chapter 1
My long, dark, amber hair tickles my round nose. The navy, blue dress I wore sways with the blissful breeze passing by. Normally I always go barefoot around in the peaceful woods, but for today it is a bit chilly. Looking down on my minuscule hands, the thoughts of scarlet blood oozed on the tile floor.
Glancing over I witness a small winged creature floating in the air. Multiple of colors glows around it. I squint my green eyes only to notice for a split second they were Nightmares. My world fades into darkness. Peaking from under the curtain sink my mothers and fathers pale, bloody body lay on the kitchen floor lifeless. Massive, red, skinned men with horns, threw things everywhere. They searched every inch. The gross aroma had me gag, but soon as they heard me I was lurched forward onto my cold parents. Tears fell upon my flushed checks. The Large hand arose to strike down upon me, but before any pain could have been inflicted at the back door busted open. I shut my eyes tight with trembling terror.

Ringing in my ears had my world become dizzy. I felt the thuds as each Devourer hit the floor. I can't take this! Please make it stop! I finally gazed down at my wet bloody hands. This is my fault....why? Why couldn't they have killed me instead?

"Nova! Nova! Nova wake up!" A deep raspy voice yells.

I blink several times to get my vision back into view. The ugly Nightmares scatter about in their own pool of blood. When their illusionist powers were gone you can see that their brown, wrinkly skin held lack of color. The one eye they have glazes over of white.

"Nova, you okay?" Danar, my guardian, asks in concern.

"I...I...No I'm not." I cry out as I hug his muscular chest.

For my height I come to his chest. Danar's chiseled arms and legs built to take on hordes of enemies to protect me from all evil. I wrap my arms around him in the comfort of his warmth. Sobs and snot seep onto Danars raggedy grey t-shirt. Danar for some ungodly reason still decides to wear ripped jeans. My grip tightens when he tries to pry me from himself.

"Nova, we must go back home now. The Nightmares were in Zinf territory, which is of concern for our people and you. I will carry you on my back if I need to." Danar states sternly.

I wipe my face on my arm before speaking, "No. I will walk on my own. I may cry, but I'm not a child."

Danar gives me a smirk as we start to head back to town and said, "Nova, sometimes you are a child...with your height and all."

I gave him a death glare to shut up or I would beat you up look. Then again all he has to do is sit on me and the fight would be over. We both laughed the horrors away the best we could.  

Friday, May 27, 2016

Battling Demons

Some people were just not meant to be in your life. After a trying to be friends with a certain person three times, I finally realize she isn't a real friend. Sad, but true. The pain doesn't effect me, but the hatred runs deep. She messed with the wrong person. She will pay one way or another. I'm at the point in my life where my sanity isn't really there. Well, for people it's more of a fuck off thing insanity. She was a roommate of Jacob and I for a little bit. Soon to find out she didn't go by the rules for the house, rarely cleaned, didn't take care of her dog she threw a fit over, and didn't pay the bills of utilities she agreed to pay on when she finally got a job. She left us out of no where; running back to her grandparents. Technically that day she left she was suppose to be at work. She refused to pay cable and gas, so we said whatever. Just recently we got in the mail the electric bill, she was suppose to pay. Well, I went off on her and I end up getting a call from her mother calling me. So the ex roommate decided not to be an adult and have her mother fight her battles for her. After a lot of bullshit out of her mothers mouth Jacob shut that shit down. Then later that night the ex roommate prove to be just as ignorant and stupid as the one who gave birth to her. She will be a person who will always be a child letting other people fix her problems for her, causing trouble, and will stab you in the back. Also she claims a cable bill isn't a utility bill. So any opinions on that stupidity?
Hey, good news is we got a true friend of Jacob's for 13 years and his cousin moving in with us :) there maybe bumps in the road but Jacob and I together will accomplish anything. To be honest my anxiety and crazy thoughts may drive me off  the deep in at times but I have to admit Jacob is always there to put a smile on my face. Once things get into  rhythm we should be okay. Even if Jacob's tumor hurting him we will fight through this. 

Last Sunday I had a horrible break down. I was sitting there watching the beautiful view of the forest and paintball courses. Jacob comes out asking why I was out here by myself. Finally the tears fell. He comforted me about my insecurities. Jacob let me know I'm not alone and he will always be there for me no matter what the issue is. The fact for the longest time I really was by myself. I didn't talk to anyone about anything. I did a lot of things by myself because I didn't want to burden any one. Now I have actual friends who want to see Jacob and I married or they will beat him up lol I have family who care and love me. Jacob proclaimed, "Even a warrior needs some help at times." I don't know what I wouldn't do with out him. There was a moment where we announced to each other that if one of us died the both of us were dead. Romeo and Juliet to the core. Except making more sense and been together WAAAAYYY longer. A year and eight months of being with Jacob. Now I can wake up to the lovely turd. He is soooo cute when asleep. The other day he cuddled with my teddy bear...he said "I thought it was you" lol which him cuddling with me while I'm asleep is comforting. 

The other day at work I saw my ex-boyfriend. The awkward glaces will probably never end. He was the first serious relationship that meant the world to me. The feelings for him will be dull but the memories will never fade. I'm glad he did break up with me. He is and was a child. Plus he gave me the opportunity to find the true man to hold my heart. Jacob!  

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Dying Star

My heart racing with excitement to finally have a place of my own. The boxes to unload and the arrangement of furniture was a major task. Once things got settle down what I wanted to see happen drastically changed. I seen a side to Jacob that most people wouldn't get the chance to witness. Sleepless nights of the cascading tears that gently speak the pain. Doubts mangle my thoughts as I try processing all new events. Taking on hypocritical people, the relationship that grasps my heart, and the merciless souls who are the head of Butterball. Emotionally and physically I have been drained of my energy.

Jacob taking on the whole world for me is a sweet gentleman who loves me for who I am. Fixing things around the house, cleaning, and general labor to help me. Then there is his personal view of relationship. My stomach twists and turns with thoughts that should have killed me by now. I still hold on for I love him. Jacob takes care of me, spoils me, loves me with all my flaws. I won't find a man like him. We don't break up over fights or situations that seem impossible. We work them out the best we can. For those who understand the concept of compassion and following
your heart, do please apprehend to know Jacob is an amazing guy who I will spend the rest of my life with, no matter the situations we are. We will figure things out and be there for each other. 

I guess its sad to say my step family doesn't really feel like family any more to me. I feel as if I'm an outsider watching through the windows. They are hypocritical over my injures and my health issues. They think I should be able to handle a simply wound right? Well, having my chest tighten to where i can't move or even breath properly is such a simple would. Having two slit discs in my back which causes my who spine to pop at odd moments is a simple would. Pulled muscle from lifting 20-40 lbs bags of skin, up and over into a tote that comes to my shoulders, is such an easy wound. Guess what none of that is fucking easy. I'm in fucking tears, heaving over trying not to throw my guts up. It angers me to the extent of wanting to strangle people for they are being so fucking stupid. They say one thing damn well knowing they have had been hospitals to where its a life threatening situation. What gives you the right to judge me like that???? NOTHING! 

Now, for the malicious people who keep screwing us over. They drag us through dirt, shit, blood, sweat, and tears. Many adore me as their own, but I can't keep pushing myself like this. My chest pains are coming back. The long hours make a shit ton of money, although its not worth having the head of the company bash us down and not caring of our health. They are ignorant,selfish bastards. Jacob and may have to look for different jobs. 

Right now Jacob's chest is getting worse. The tumor is causing more pain. It may be from stress or its spreading. We don't have a clue. We go see his doctor Tuesday. It terrifies me to know that this can potentially kill him. I love him so much and wouldn't ever want him to be hurting like this. It scares me to see him cringe in pain while he griped his chest. I'm here watching over him until Tuesday. No one can actually know this besides our roommate and my bestie Madi.  

I hope there is a happy ending for Jacob and I. To finally feel free of all the bills, work that is blood thirsty to get us hurt, and to finally feel happy with what we are doing.  

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Anxiety: The Monster Within

The blood rushing to your head while your heart beat screams out your ears. The stomach twists and turns into panic.The images of your love ones falling or the taunting voices that criticize everything you do. You start to questioning yourself and what your capable of doing. Tears of fear and pain in a pool of shame.

Anxiety isn't a game; it's real for us. Even the little things trigger the most horrifying panic attacks. For me I've been battling for a while of anxiety. Monday, I had Jacob's supervisor zoom by with a wheel chair. My eyes following intently of where he was trailing off to. I could feel my chest tighten while my body went cold. My co-worker, who looks over me as her daughter, goes to investigate the matter. She comes back to let me know it was only a green hat who had past out. Relief filled every aching nerve. Once break came about, I just held onto Jacob and cried. I let all my fears and sadness fall with each tear that was shed that day. 

The reason I freaked out so bad is Jacob once needed to be wheel chaired away, for, his chest had collapsed in on itself. His chest had paralyzed any movement he could make. Then, they sent him to hospital to be checked out. Any time that line ever stopped my heart would stop thinking Jacob got hurt again. But luckily they moved to another job so he wouldn't get hurt any more. 

It use to be way worse than what it is now. I would stay up in my room; staring at the ceiling. Sleepless nights carried me into nightmarish days. Criticism from others demolished my own self esteem. I tried reckless methods to fill my empty void of doom. Alcohol, weed, and the blood that dripped from my wrist were clouding my judgement. Things became much worse for me. Late nights out parting. I thought the being on the edge was fun; the fear driven me mad. 

One special someone has shown me the light. He was patient, gentle, and a caring gentleman who watched me over with a protecting eye. Jacob Farmer you don't know how much you truly have brought me happiness. I love you to the moon and back. Jacob has put his heart into loving me the way he does. The compassion wrapped around his heart shows me gratitude of a strong man he is. 

We all have our demons to fight. You make the choice to hold on or to let go. Things can get rough, but find a light and grasp it as tight as you can. Things do get better with time and patients. I had to climb several obstacles to even get to the top. Please, understand Anxiety isn't game! It can consume us all in the matter of seconds. I believe in you all to climb this mountain with me; to become outstanding people.