Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Dying Star

My heart racing with excitement to finally have a place of my own. The boxes to unload and the arrangement of furniture was a major task. Once things got settle down what I wanted to see happen drastically changed. I seen a side to Jacob that most people wouldn't get the chance to witness. Sleepless nights of the cascading tears that gently speak the pain. Doubts mangle my thoughts as I try processing all new events. Taking on hypocritical people, the relationship that grasps my heart, and the merciless souls who are the head of Butterball. Emotionally and physically I have been drained of my energy.

Jacob taking on the whole world for me is a sweet gentleman who loves me for who I am. Fixing things around the house, cleaning, and general labor to help me. Then there is his personal view of relationship. My stomach twists and turns with thoughts that should have killed me by now. I still hold on for I love him. Jacob takes care of me, spoils me, loves me with all my flaws. I won't find a man like him. We don't break up over fights or situations that seem impossible. We work them out the best we can. For those who understand the concept of compassion and following
your heart, do please apprehend to know Jacob is an amazing guy who I will spend the rest of my life with, no matter the situations we are. We will figure things out and be there for each other. 

I guess its sad to say my step family doesn't really feel like family any more to me. I feel as if I'm an outsider watching through the windows. They are hypocritical over my injures and my health issues. They think I should be able to handle a simply wound right? Well, having my chest tighten to where i can't move or even breath properly is such a simple would. Having two slit discs in my back which causes my who spine to pop at odd moments is a simple would. Pulled muscle from lifting 20-40 lbs bags of skin, up and over into a tote that comes to my shoulders, is such an easy wound. Guess what none of that is fucking easy. I'm in fucking tears, heaving over trying not to throw my guts up. It angers me to the extent of wanting to strangle people for they are being so fucking stupid. They say one thing damn well knowing they have had been hospitals to where its a life threatening situation. What gives you the right to judge me like that???? NOTHING! 

Now, for the malicious people who keep screwing us over. They drag us through dirt, shit, blood, sweat, and tears. Many adore me as their own, but I can't keep pushing myself like this. My chest pains are coming back. The long hours make a shit ton of money, although its not worth having the head of the company bash us down and not caring of our health. They are ignorant,selfish bastards. Jacob and may have to look for different jobs. 

Right now Jacob's chest is getting worse. The tumor is causing more pain. It may be from stress or its spreading. We don't have a clue. We go see his doctor Tuesday. It terrifies me to know that this can potentially kill him. I love him so much and wouldn't ever want him to be hurting like this. It scares me to see him cringe in pain while he griped his chest. I'm here watching over him until Tuesday. No one can actually know this besides our roommate and my bestie Madi.  

I hope there is a happy ending for Jacob and I. To finally feel free of all the bills, work that is blood thirsty to get us hurt, and to finally feel happy with what we are doing.  

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