Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Anxiety: The Monster Within

The blood rushing to your head while your heart beat screams out your ears. The stomach twists and turns into panic.The images of your love ones falling or the taunting voices that criticize everything you do. You start to questioning yourself and what your capable of doing. Tears of fear and pain in a pool of shame.

Anxiety isn't a game; it's real for us. Even the little things trigger the most horrifying panic attacks. For me I've been battling for a while of anxiety. Monday, I had Jacob's supervisor zoom by with a wheel chair. My eyes following intently of where he was trailing off to. I could feel my chest tighten while my body went cold. My co-worker, who looks over me as her daughter, goes to investigate the matter. She comes back to let me know it was only a green hat who had past out. Relief filled every aching nerve. Once break came about, I just held onto Jacob and cried. I let all my fears and sadness fall with each tear that was shed that day. 

The reason I freaked out so bad is Jacob once needed to be wheel chaired away, for, his chest had collapsed in on itself. His chest had paralyzed any movement he could make. Then, they sent him to hospital to be checked out. Any time that line ever stopped my heart would stop thinking Jacob got hurt again. But luckily they moved to another job so he wouldn't get hurt any more. 

It use to be way worse than what it is now. I would stay up in my room; staring at the ceiling. Sleepless nights carried me into nightmarish days. Criticism from others demolished my own self esteem. I tried reckless methods to fill my empty void of doom. Alcohol, weed, and the blood that dripped from my wrist were clouding my judgement. Things became much worse for me. Late nights out parting. I thought the being on the edge was fun; the fear driven me mad. 

One special someone has shown me the light. He was patient, gentle, and a caring gentleman who watched me over with a protecting eye. Jacob Farmer you don't know how much you truly have brought me happiness. I love you to the moon and back. Jacob has put his heart into loving me the way he does. The compassion wrapped around his heart shows me gratitude of a strong man he is. 

We all have our demons to fight. You make the choice to hold on or to let go. Things can get rough, but find a light and grasp it as tight as you can. Things do get better with time and patients. I had to climb several obstacles to even get to the top. Please, understand Anxiety isn't game! It can consume us all in the matter of seconds. I believe in you all to climb this mountain with me; to become outstanding people.  

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