Battling Demons

Some people were just not meant to be in your life. After a trying to be friends with a certain person three times, I finally realize she isn't a real friend. Sad, but true. The pain doesn't effect me, but the hatred runs deep. She messed with the wrong person. She will pay one way or another. I'm at the point in my life where my sanity isn't really there. Well, for people it's more of a fuck off thing insanity. She was a roommate of Jacob and I for a little bit. Soon to find out she didn't go by the rules for the house, rarely cleaned, didn't take care of her dog she threw a fit over, and didn't pay the bills of utilities she agreed to pay on when she finally got a job. She left us out of no where; running back to her grandparents. Technically that day she left she was suppose to be at work. She refused to pay cable and gas, so we said whatever. Just recently we got in the mail the electric bill, she was suppose to pay. Well, I went off on her and I end up getting a call from her mother calling me. So the ex roommate decided not to be an adult and have her mother fight her battles for her. After a lot of bullshit out of her mothers mouth Jacob shut that shit down. Then later that night the ex roommate prove to be just as ignorant and stupid as the one who gave birth to her. She will be a person who will always be a child letting other people fix her problems for her, causing trouble, and will stab you in the back. Also she claims a cable bill isn't a utility bill. So any opinions on that stupidity?

Hey, good news is we got a true friend of Jacob's for 13 years and his cousin moving in with us :) there maybe bumps in the road but Jacob and I together will accomplish anything. To be honest my anxiety and crazy thoughts may drive me off  the deep in at times but I have to admit Jacob is always there to put a smile on my face. Once things get into  rhythm we should be okay. Even if Jacob's tumor hurting him we will fight through this. 

Last Sunday I had a horrible break down. I was sitting there watching the beautiful view of the forest and paintball courses. Jacob comes out asking why I was out here by myself. Finally the tears fell. He comforted me about my insecurities. Jacob let me know I'm not alone and he will always be there for me no matter what the issue is. The fact for the longest time I really was by myself. I didn't talk to anyone about anything. I did a lot of things by myself because I didn't want to burden any one. Now I have actual friends who want to see Jacob and I married or they will beat him up lol I have family who care and love me. Jacob proclaimed, "Even a warrior needs some help at times." I don't know what I wouldn't do with out him. There was a moment where we announced to each other that if one of us died the both of us were dead. Romeo and Juliet to the core. Except making more sense and been together WAAAAYYY longer. A year and eight months of being with Jacob. Now I can wake up to the lovely turd. He is soooo cute when asleep. The other day he cuddled with my teddy bear...he said "I thought it was you" lol which him cuddling with me while I'm asleep is comforting. 

The other day at work I saw my ex-boyfriend. The awkward glaces will probably never end. He was the first serious relationship that meant the world to me. The feelings for him will be dull but the memories will never fade. I'm glad he did break up with me. He is and was a child. Plus he gave me the opportunity to find the true man to hold my heart. Jacob!  

Dying Star

My heart racing with excitement to finally have a place of my own. The boxes to unload and the arrangement of furniture was a major task. Once things got settle down what I wanted to see happen drastically changed. I seen a side to Jacob that most people wouldn't get the chance to witness. Sleepless nights of the cascading tears that gently speak the pain. Doubts mangle my thoughts as I try processing all new events. Taking on hypocritical people, the relationship that grasps my heart, and the merciless souls who are the head of Butterball. Emotionally and physically I have been drained of my energy.

Jacob taking on the whole world for me is a sweet gentleman who loves me for who I am. Fixing things around the house, cleaning, and general labor to help me. Then there is his personal view of relationship. My stomach twists and turns with thoughts that should have killed me by now. I still hold on for I love him. Jacob takes care of me, spoils me, loves me with all my flaws. I won't find a man like him. We don't break up over fights or situations that seem impossible. We work them out the best we can. For those who understand the concept of compassion and following
your heart, do please apprehend to know Jacob is an amazing guy who I will spend the rest of my life with, no matter the situations we are. We will figure things out and be there for each other. 

I guess its sad to say my step family doesn't really feel like family any more to me. I feel as if I'm an outsider watching through the windows. They are hypocritical over my injures and my health issues. They think I should be able to handle a simply wound right? Well, having my chest tighten to where i can't move or even breath properly is such a simple would. Having two slit discs in my back which causes my who spine to pop at odd moments is a simple would. Pulled muscle from lifting 20-40 lbs bags of skin, up and over into a tote that comes to my shoulders, is such an easy wound. Guess what none of that is fucking easy. I'm in fucking tears, heaving over trying not to throw my guts up. It angers me to the extent of wanting to strangle people for they are being so fucking stupid. They say one thing damn well knowing they have had been hospitals to where its a life threatening situation. What gives you the right to judge me like that???? NOTHING! 

Now, for the malicious people who keep screwing us over. They drag us through dirt, shit, blood, sweat, and tears. Many adore me as their own, but I can't keep pushing myself like this. My chest pains are coming back. The long hours make a shit ton of money, although its not worth having the head of the company bash us down and not caring of our health. They are ignorant,selfish bastards. Jacob and may have to look for different jobs. 

Right now Jacob's chest is getting worse. The tumor is causing more pain. It may be from stress or its spreading. We don't have a clue. We go see his doctor Tuesday. It terrifies me to know that this can potentially kill him. I love him so much and wouldn't ever want him to be hurting like this. It scares me to see him cringe in pain while he griped his chest. I'm here watching over him until Tuesday. No one can actually know this besides our roommate and my bestie Madi.  

I hope there is a happy ending for Jacob and I. To finally feel free of all the bills, work that is blood thirsty to get us hurt, and to finally feel happy with what we are doing.  

Anxiety: The Monster Within

The blood rushing to your head while your heart beat screams out your ears. The stomach twists and turns into panic.The images of your love ones falling or the taunting voices that criticize everything you do. You start to questioning yourself and what your capable of doing. Tears of fear and pain in a pool of shame.

Anxiety isn't a game; it's real for us. Even the little things trigger the most horrifying panic attacks. For me I've been battling for a while of anxiety. Monday, I had Jacob's supervisor zoom by with a wheel chair. My eyes following intently of where he was trailing off to. I could feel my chest tighten while my body went cold. My co-worker, who looks over me as her daughter, goes to investigate the matter. She comes back to let me know it was only a green hat who had past out. Relief filled every aching nerve. Once break came about, I just held onto Jacob and cried. I let all my fears and sadness fall with each tear that was shed that day. 

The reason I freaked out so bad is Jacob once needed to be wheel chaired away, for, his chest had collapsed in on itself. His chest had paralyzed any movement he could make. Then, they sent him to hospital to be checked out. Any time that line ever stopped my heart would stop thinking Jacob got hurt again. But luckily they moved to another job so he wouldn't get hurt any more. 

It use to be way worse than what it is now. I would stay up in my room; staring at the ceiling. Sleepless nights carried me into nightmarish days. Criticism from others demolished my own self esteem. I tried reckless methods to fill my empty void of doom. Alcohol, weed, and the blood that dripped from my wrist were clouding my judgement. Things became much worse for me. Late nights out parting. I thought the being on the edge was fun; the fear driven me mad. 

One special someone has shown me the light. He was patient, gentle, and a caring gentleman who watched me over with a protecting eye. Jacob Farmer you don't know how much you truly have brought me happiness. I love you to the moon and back. Jacob has put his heart into loving me the way he does. The compassion wrapped around his heart shows me gratitude of a strong man he is. 

We all have our demons to fight. You make the choice to hold on or to let go. Things can get rough, but find a light and grasp it as tight as you can. Things do get better with time and patients. I had to climb several obstacles to even get to the top. Please, understand Anxiety isn't game! It can consume us all in the matter of seconds. I believe in you all to climb this mountain with me; to become outstanding people.  

Piercing Flame of a Bleeding tears

Tears of blood stream down my face. Each painful step is closer to falling off the cliff. My long scarlet hair drapes over my hazel eyes. Breathing in the stale air burns my nose and lungs. How did I get here? I don't want to be here. It would be so much easier to disappear from this world. Peering over the jagged edge all that lay in front of me is a sea of shadows mocking and stares of disappointment. Every inch of my muscles jerked me forward in a jolt. Blackness consumes the very light I held so dear.

Well, that's how I have been feeling lately. Thinking of taking a whole bunch of pills so I could fall asleep and never wake up. I just don't want to struggle so much or to feel so much pain. Heaving over a toilet, having my lungs want to burst into a million pieces, and every muscle in my body ache. Since August I've been hurting because of an ulcer but now the past three weeks a sever cough has arisen. I cough so hard my throat swells and I throw up.

Also work has me in a tangle of all sorts. From the new policy that surely is not only going to have me fired but many more. Putting Jacob out of work for another week. They will burn. They will pay for hurting us. I can't tell you guys just yet of how, but trust me they will all go up in a blazing flame.

I heard my heart beat in ear so loudly, I surely thought everyone else could feel the earth shake. Soon as his eye met mine, I knew I may possibly be in danger. A guy I thought I could trust who shattered all of that and more with in one day. The physical and mental pain I once felt seeps out of every nerve. My body became frozen in place. I contacted Jacob once I got out of work with sobs. My hands shake as I grip the steering wheel. It wasn't until I got home when he hugs me and kisses my forhead trying to resure me if he even talks to me he will hurt him.

Finding some stuff out tonight going to my Besties Pagan party. There may be some stuff going on with my brothers and their wives....Also their life style. Won't get into it to much. All I can say I get a bad feeling. To the card reading, sure it sounded accurate as fuck, I make my own path and I sure as hell will fight back the best the can. I may feel down, but that's not going to stop me. My big brother, Georgie, taught me better. "Don't run from your problems. You have to face them to ever have resolved the problem." As long as my lovie, Jacob, is next to me I can do anything.

Life is fucking me over and I tell you, "Fuck yourself! I'm tired of this bullshit!" I will not lose to such a scum hanging over me like a shadow.

The Adventures of Melissa!

Tuesday towards the end of work I had a sever cough spell. A sharp pain stab me in the chest. I couldn't go to work yesterday and today. The doctor said I still have a lot of inflammation in my chest and throat. Today I feel much better with a happiness that lingers in the air. I just hope I'll be able to see my Lovie tonight. they had a lot of birds today, along with Huntsvilles small birds.

Realizing on my way home from applying an application from Neovox, a call center, that perhaps the office jobs aren't for a person like me. Sure I would actually enjoy my job, but for a person who pays more bills than necessary and loves to see my Lovie at work it just isn't for me. I called Jacob on break and told him about my day. He told me he would miss me and loves to see me at work. I have to admit that it's very adorable and heart warming knowing that Jacob enjoys my presents at work.

Today when I went to the library, I bent down to grab change from cup holder, only to hear a whistle. I look behind me to see a man around the age 60 tells me I look hot and asks me if I had a boyfriend. He then proceeded to ask me to come to his car. That's when I went into the library to print off my resumes. When I was walking back to my car the man gets out of his car and apologizes for saying those things. My car and I left in a flash. Calling Jacob on first break, he said he wanted to beat a bitch.

Eventually my Bestie, Madi, text me to hang out. I said why not! So I went to Sarcoxie library and then her house to talk hours to caught up on life. It's good to have girl time.

well now to the Galena, Mo, trip! Jacob's aunt sent us an invitation to their fall festival they are hosting. We couldn't resist such an amazing opportunity to a beautiful place. Jacob and I ended up taking his cousin, Clayton, with us. Reminder, the roads are so curvy and hilly it drives me nuts! On our way there this car followed us for the longest time causing Clayton to become paranoid and want to kick some ass. Then Jacob got into the kicking ass conversation, which made my nerves a bit less on the edge, for it made me laugh.

Arriving in a small, unique, Kimberling City had my mind blown away. we spent the next two nights at a large hotel that was on the bay of Tablerock lake. They had, a hot tub, a pool with lights, and a astonishing view of Tablerock Lake. The room we were staying in was also spectacular. Marble countertops, soft full sized beds, refrigerator, tv with actual cable, and many other nice qualities to our room.

That Saturday we went to the fall festival Jacob's aunt was hosting. It surely felt like high school all over. The drama and girls spitting fire was an understatement. Clayton swooned many girls, including Jacob's niece, Hailey. Jacob then threaten to brutally beat the shit out of Clayton, which made everything much more funnier. His little niece Myia is so cute, for being I think 7 or 9. She likes to hold both Jacob's hand and mine as we walk down a brick bridge. Saying she would love for us to be her parents. SO CUTE!

The next day on our way back home we met his other aunt, Brenda Minton, and his two nieces and nephew. Previously before this I had already contacted Brenda, for the fact she is a professional author who has written her own books.

Her website is this: http://brendaminton.net/

Talking to her of her busy life with the kids and her books. She actually has a group of people she works with. It's like saying The House of Night Series has two authors who wrote the book. I have yet to read the books because I'm currently reading the Hush Hush series, watching Fairytail series with Lovie, being sick, sleeping, and working. The main reason is Fairytail series is just so good!

Back to Brenda! Eventually we had to leave, for work was the next day. Gawd, the drive back home was so exhausting. I didn't want the dream to end. I didn't want to go back home. It sadden me to leave such a peaceful place that could so inspire me to write a novel.

Recently Jacob and I have been hanging out with Chandler, Leo, and their lovers. Well, it was Chandler, Leo, Kiel (Chandler's boyfriend), and I shooting Jacob's bb gun. Jacob thought he shot all the bullets out the barrel but with a shocking look on all our faces, Jacob accidently shot Kiel in the stomach. Laughter bellowed from all of us as Kiel becomes dramatic with the small flesh wound. It didn't go deep at all but it bruised badly.

Death's Door

It has been pretty rough lately. Turkey season just started as I was cutting the skin of the turkey. One of the cleaning guys comes up to me asking me what happened to Jacob. My eyebrows narrowed down the man in questioning. My dear friend and co-worker Mary, told me to go, so I went up to the supervisors of Jacob's, asking what happened.

"Jacob was wheel chaired to the nurses office. He was holding his side saying it was hurting." The supervisor spat out.

My heart pounding with each step I rushed to the nurses. Soon enough, Jacob was sitting there grabbing his side and having a tough time taking deep breaths. I helped him to get outside and into his mother's car. That day was so miserable and long. almost a twelve hour shift while my Lovie was at Mercy Hospital in Joplin Mo.

I went home to Jacob to find him okay, but still in slight pain. By that time my back and chest were killing me. The coughing that was just a mild annoyance had become a horse bark every five minutes or so. I had fallen asleep to the tv and pain medicine the doctor had prescribed to me. About five in the morning my chest burned with each breath I took. I  woke up Jacob in a panic and trying my hardest to take in any air I could.

Jacob hugged me while sitting me up. Eventually Jacob calmed me to sleep, only for him to put his finger under my nose to make sure I was still breathing. When waking up for work I could barely manage to speak words without coughing. Jacob told me to stay laying and took my phone. He came back to tell me my dad is on his way to take me to hospital. The thought sent me over board. I freaked out so badly, I started to heave, cough while tears streamed down my cheeks.

Jacob wipes away my tears saying, "Please don't cry. I know its difficult and you're scared but I don't want to see you in pain like this."

Moving around made my muscles cringe. The hospital time took forever while needles had me feel dizzy. Eventually after being there for three hours, they told me I had my throat swollen and Bronchitis. Jacob ended up having sever inflammation between the ribs.

This week has been filled with struggle to get better, how we are going to pay for this stuff, watching Fairytail, and sleeping. It has just been rough for the both of us. We both go back tomorrow to make money. Good thing is our insurance is amazingly good.

My next blog post will be more entertaining and on the positive. I'll be talking about a second trip to Galena, Mo, and Jacob accidently shooting his friends boyfriend in the gut with his bb gun :p Now for me to go eat!

Crown of Thorns

Where do I even start....bad news first. Tuesday night Jacob and I was watching the Divergent movies. Laying down the pain wasn't so bad, but once I stood up to go home it hit me hard. My chest and upper part of my stomach was so tight it hurt to move around. A small drizzle of tears turns into a pour down. Jacob and his mom were very much concern for they insisted I go to the hospital. Fear started to take over as my body starts to shake intensely.

I glace over to Jacob crying out, "I'm scared!"

At this point everything started to hurt. Jacob as gently as he could picks me up and carries me to my fathers white ford truck. Jacob is in the back seat soothing me the best he could. Jacob ended up also carrying me into the hospital. Any time Jacob couldn't be with me made him upset and furious. He would follow me like a lost puppy if they would let him.

After blood was taken, hooking me up to a million wires, and put blood pressure stuff on me, Jacob and my dad was able to come in. Jacob sat down next to me wh
ile taking my hand. Dad had to leave to go pick up my brother from work. The most terrifying part was having to get a shot in the butt cheek. Drawing blood is alright because it doesn't hurt much but putting it in the muscle, I know I wouldn't be able to sit or walk around a bit. Jacob squeezed my hand while trying to my attention on him. It helped a little.

The shot along with the medicines they gave me the chest pain reduced to a three. My butt cheek hurt more and I was exhausted. By 3:30 A.M Jacob and I left in his mom's car. Wednesday late in the afternoon, finally after two hours in doctors office, I found out I have Gastric Disease.....lovely. I basically have to go on a diet. I have to reduce fats and dairy. No spicy food whats so ever. Yesterday Jacob and I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of healthy food for me to eat. This is going to be very difficult for me. I enjoy spicy, fatty, and dairy foods sooo much. Now it's basically harming me in the most painful way ever. Jacob has been helping in saying no to a lot of stuff I really want.

If any one is wondering why did I name the title Crown of Thorns? Well, the plant Crown of Thorns has beautiful flowers on top while the stems have sharp thorns protruding from it. This symbolizes how my life can have those beautiful moments and the difficult times, but still be an extraordinary plant or for me an extraordinary person. Now, for some fun.

Several weekends ago Jacob and I head up to Glena Missouri. Yes, there is a Glena Missouri and no, it's not Glena Kansas. People always ask and get very confused, so I figure I would explain. The reason for heading down there was to visit his family. I'm like an old granny when I drive in areas that have twists and turns or roads I have no clue of familiarity.

Soon as we got there his niece, Hailey, pulls me away and we start to talk. She is a beautiful, talented, young lady. She is fifteen and I already felt welcome as we get excited about all the stuff we have in common. Looking at super hot guy celebrities while discussing stuff we enjoy doing. For the first time I got to meet his Aunt Ellen. She was amazing! eventually we all went to bed because it was getting late and I knew we all would be doing awesome adventures the next day. Neither Jacob nor I could sleep, so we ended up talking and laughing at stuff. Out of no where I felt something at the end of the bed. I freaked out because I wasn't sure what it was. I turn on the light to find out his sleepy seven year old niece had woke up. She wanted to go back to her house which was across the street. Jacob and I walked Maya to her house. In my head I'm

like, "So, this is what I
t is like to have a kid."

The very next day, Hailey, Jacob, and I drove up to Brandson Missouri. Which was just a few miles away from Glena Missouri. All the cars and people made me nervous driving. But hey, First time in enormous city. Helicopters constantly flying ahead, traffic lines for miles, park attractions on both sides, people laughing, screaming, and having good time. All of it was an experience worth having.

The first stop was the Ripley's Believe it or not museum. Everything was so stunning I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Once we found out about this two way mirror we laughed our asses off at ourselves for making faces and others for making faces. You wouldn't know this until you got part way through the museum. What really got us was this spinning tunnel that made us stumble to get to the other side, but us being silly we went through it several times. Finally, we got to the shop they had. Jacob being a butthole he gave me a taser gun and I tasered myself. They ended up laughing as I gave Jacob a glare.

Next, stop was the Ejection Seat! Hailey and I went on it with our breath taken away. At the end of it we got to see how stupid we looked and sounded. I couldn't help but to feel a bit embarrassed. Thirdly, we went to this Go Cart thing and raced each other. That was a bit difficult because I couldn't reach the steering wheel unless I was way up on the seat. That hurt my arms. After that we went and got some ice cream! :)

To cool off the day we headed back to his Ellen's house to put our swimsuits on. We went down the road to the river. Canoed a bit and swam until we felt extremely tired. At this point Jacob's side was really hurting him. We got back to his Aunt's house we ate dinner and set up the tent stuff. The beauty of sleeping under the stars. So gorgeous! Everything felt magical and mysterious.

Sunday I woke up to realize that his Aunt's house is on a cliff which you can see the river below. We headed down in boats to the river that day. The family gathered on a bank on the river. The water was so high we can see the water was engulfing the sign and most of the road. We all took turns tubing, which was most fun thing ever. His niece Maya kept following Jacob and me around. She would hold my hand and ask a millions of questions. I was on one of Jacobs leg and Maya was on the other she ask a question about kissing. Oh gosh! I'm like, "Jacob, this is for you to answer!" Gawd little ones are so cute and I know I would be totally lost if I had my own at first.

Eventually Jacob and I had to leave, but not without all of them feeling sad we were leaving. oh, Jacob's a butthole when it comes to tubing with me because he loves to tip it over and make us land in the water. We all had life jackets on for safety! Figure, let everyone know so they don't freak out. I would love to move there to Glena Missouri and live with nature along with going to the city to have other funs.